Galatians

After a week of close scrutiny, i have finally finished studying the book of galatians. why in the world do i feel this way? i have recommitted myself for the nth time, yet i do not feel i am doing the right thing.

Galatians tells me to let go of my anxiousness, envy and provocative nature and start doing things right. But i just can't do it right. WHy???? Does God allow His children to suffer first in order to learn? or these crucial times are just under the domain of my testing period? But i have been tested for years. Alright, i know i have made a lot of mistakes, but He has forgiven all of those right? i made sure i have lifted all of these up to Him a long time ago,..

Trying to escape from the past , i found myself staring at a blank sheet of paper inserted in my math notebook. what am i doing? am i suppose to initiate something worth my time and effort? then i realized, i can't start scribbling notes, i can't even focus on today's lesson because i am overwhelmed by guilt and resentment. I have been so stupid all my life to trust people who seem so nice. Hell yeah, i was mistaken. For years, i have been playing the game of hide and seek- doing things i know are wrong, and then making sure people will only see my silhouette . That was my way of escape. I've tried my best to shun evil remarks and nasty things but i always fail. now, what will happen next? i am bothered by the thing i thought i have let go for years,but why? i have buried it for quite some time. It's haunting me... I know i am doing something wrong as i make this blog. I'm letting myself be carried away by the things that seem to crush my hopes and steal my confidence. I am living a new life now, but why couldn't i let go of my past life? Do i have to run away so i could find peace? or should i face those elements found in my past one by one ? I'm certainly not a loser, but why do i find it awkward to fight and face my fears? If i did this, would i make me one? People always tell me to stop pretending to be alright, but hell! this is not mere pretension! i am happy with my life now! i just don't know how to live with my past behind and the future ahead, they seem to interrupt the present!!!!!!!!!!

i am not a good person, if the qualifications of holiness will be considered, it is certain, i know. but i could be a better person, right? what's next after this ? I am looking for worthwhile activities, that's why i'm investing my time in things like this. coz somehow, i know. this is a real escape. the kind of escape i really wanted from the start. not by turning my back, but by keeping my self calm and undaunted by the issues that keep bugging me.

I know i can make it,if only i just trust; not anyone but myself, alone..