Stand UP and FIGHT

It took me a while but I'm finally here, I just wanna testify and make it crystal clear
You see I've been picked out and still to be picked on
I've been talked about and wish I'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world,today the world's on top of me.
Everybody's got opinions they share and they aint been in my position.
They don't care even if it breaks my heart when I hear what they have to say about me...

I'm not perfect, Yes I do wrong
I'm trying my best but it aint good enough
I'll be shunned by the world If I don't succeed..

If you aint worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand,
All commit mistakes but someone still loves us.

Stand for him and fall for anything
Cause through his eyes we all look the same
What would we do without blame?
So I'll stand up and fightcoz even if i aint good enough,
THE LORD STILL LOVES ME..

amen. you know i've been thinking about this these past few days and it was a great sigh knowing that i have my friends who can readily understand my situation and accept whatever i had in the past. I find myself blessed with these people who always show me great love and concern, that no matter how far i've been gone and how risky the path i have walked on, no matter how seldom i find time to keep in touch and no matter how rude i have been , they sill love me, they still care and they're still there willing to help me stand up once again and straighten the folds caused by mishaps. They help me realize the lessons of my life and they make me feel im no less of a person no matter what the other people say... This is the reason why even if it seems like the universe conspires to bring me down, i still feel confident and i still look forward to a bright future, a future far from the cynic and skeptic scumbags i am surrounded with and a future far better than i could ever imagine....

help me!

gosh, i'm really confused.. what will i do now????!! will i try to give him a beep or perhaps a ring?? would he mind answering back? what now? what should i do.. ?! arrgghh! i hate this, what's the right thing to do, tell me.. should i wait for him and for chance to make way for us to ever meet again or will i initiate a talk and make sure he wouldn't be out of sight, anymore/? this is hilarious. im starting to break my own rules. haha.. but i guess, this isn't counted for this is not that serious one. MARK! help.haha.. ive shared a little secret to this guy, a friend of mine. i don't know, it's like we have been friends for years although we just met months ago, in kalai... going back, should i stay quiet this time? or should i be loud so he will hear me?? waaaaaaahh! i already asked advice from zham, as expected, his expertise doesnt apply this time, yeah right, he's good at making friends and really good friendship with girls (yeah, that was sarcastic),. hmm.. how i wish i could really figure out what should i do before i go home. HAZEL,is our plan working?? or will this be the end of my dream. arggh!! i hate this, i really hate this,...

naaaassssttttyyyy

haha.. i still got a hang-over . (literally).. it was such a get-together-turned-nasty-partying thing.. oh well, i guess that's life really has to be.. hayyy... at least i got the chance to chit chat with my bestfriend. NOTE: the following just popped out of my mind as i write this blog. some are fictional characters.hehe OCEAN'S APART it's not the song by the way.. it's my bestfriend's ocean.hehe.. it's been awhile since i haven't heard from them and i am just sooo happpy hearing for the first time that my dear sister has already broke up with that dirty man. aha, do i sound rude? hell yeah, he really is.. i have reprimanded her many times but she didn't listen, now i am elated coz the whole situation has finally got into her nerves and zapped her back to reality.. this is really great! i've been waiting for this to happen for let's just say, months now,.cheese burger! ahaha.. MY ANGEL it has been years since i last saw him and by twist of fate, i got to see him again, now, closer than i could ever imagine. oh well, i guess it's not the taste and aura of the liquor which makes me static, maybe it's because of the chance of getting near to him. I idolized him since i was a child (literally.haha) but i never did think of approaching him or even trying to be close to him personally. Way back then, he was just a cute guy from the kingdom who i often see. i can say he's a heart rob yet, not that infamous because of his nature, timid. i know many of us had a crush on him but all of us were just three steps behind his princess, who never did show any sign of concern for him. pity you my angel. But things changed, his princess had long been residing in another's knight's palace , they never saw each other again leaving my angel hopeless yet handsome. Whew! years have passed and he's been light years away considering that i was never an inch close to him, ever. That's why i can't believe i was holding him in my arms that day. Nasty, yes, but with semi-pure intention, why semi? it's because i still have doubts, i do. What if this won't last? what if this is just a part of the partying? How could i move on? haha.. fling.. yeah, that's the right term. can i really do that? well, what can i do, he's attractive. he's my angel remember? seriously speaking, i want him, not because of what he is but because of what he can be through my help. I don't intend to play with him just to have fun, i know my priorities, i know my goals and i am not sure if playing is really the right thing to do. It can be serious in any how that's why i'm waiting for him. Would he consider that as a start? or was that merely some sort of a game which started and ended the same day the party took place? i do not know why, but normally i would not feel this way. YEs i admit, this happened many times,I as a hopeless lunatic confused of what's going on in and out of me but i think, yes i think, this is something special, different from those that occurred in the past. haha.. maybe i'm just overacting but i really feel weird. Will he remember me when he wakes up? will he remember the tight hug he gave me? or will he just forget all of those, dump them as he throw up and dump those stuff he took in? although this is not a formal thing, and this is a close-to-impossible dream, i will still wait for my angel and call him mine until he comes and asks me to be his.

going home..

8:00 am got awaken by the nagging of mah brotha... arrgghhh.. how could i ever sleep so well?"??!!! and how could i wake up so early knowing that i can't watch a dvd or even a simple program in the tv? there's no current! and sad to say, it'd take 2 months before the electric company could restore the darn electricity.. 9:00 am i am ready to leave,... i got so many things to do.. yes, i really do .. i have to go and find a decent venue for our debate seminar.. but wait a minute.. aren't we leaving yet?? Dad is not in the good mood.. there's too much damages in our compound.. i understand it'd take a lot of man power and of course money to fix all the mess.. but he shouldn't be shouting at us.. he shouldn't be diverting his annoyance to us.. it pisses me off.. 11:00 am at last, we're leaving.. oh no, money problems.. how i wish i could really make money this time.. i mean, money.. from work.. yeah, i wanna work so i could help my dad and my mom in providing for our family's needs.. arggh! i can't wait to be an adult. 18, per say.hahah... 11:30 am bound to socony, riding an aircon bus.. all of a sudden, heavy rain poured down,,. it was such a nice feeling ... but the bubble burst out when i saw what's outside,.. people running, trying to save their money.., rice stalks scattered on the road, waiting to be saved from flooding... darn! how i wish i could help them.. what could i do? i am just a student, i am not rich... i thought that would be the last thing that would make me feel helpless.. but as i stare outside, all i could see is a picture of a distorted community.. what a h*! the typhoon was really that bad!, really bad! i could still remember how i cried in prayer asking God to stop the heavy rain and strong gusts of wind which made our trees swayed to death ,all of them uprooted. i could still remember the feeling of trying to calm my little sister because she's so afraid of the thumping of the windows and heaving ticking of the raindrops.. i could still remember how our workers watched 24 hours outside, making sure, no tree that surrounds our house would collapse with us sleeping inside... i could still remember that strong feeling of anxiety and worry because mom is still on the road, going back home.. and i could still remember my angst.,although not that gruesome, i felt when my dad is nowhere to be found and did not go home just because he went on a gig together with his friends.. well, no one expected the typhoon would be like that, yeah.. but he should have stayed at home....right? 1:00 pm im trying to relax.. we're in the mall.. we ate lunch but then i remembered, i still got lots of work to do.. and so i left and went to inquire in diff. hotels.. what did i get?? HEADACHE!...where in this world could we get 320k in a month?? and what could i do to save money? waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! this stresses me.. i have to go home.. 7:00 pm i am at home at last.. it's good, we have electricity here.. it's good, i am not that worried anymore and it's good i zapped back to my senses and didn't forget the promises i kept within my hands.. promises of someone who i know will never leave me.. i smile as i make this blog.. i know He's smiling too.. but more than that, i know by now, i have the solutions to these problems and the answers to my questions on the way, waiting for me....

stfap, exams, and everything that bugs me...

another day, another plight, another time to cling to my faith.
i had a bad day today,, i was shouted upon by my dad..haha.. i know it was partly my fault.. partly.. but it's alright, at least i did what he told me to do..

i packed all my things last night. I am looking forward to going home tomorrow,yeah.. i need to relax.after a month of waking up early everyday, at last! this is it! Honestly, im just consoling myself because i know as soon as i get home, work will follow after me.. it's just that i am born to be a busy person, and i can't change that.. anyway, i should be thankful , because this work i am talking about will give me the chance to visit places, places i have never been to.. and i think, that's a consolation..

wondering about what would happen next semester, i hold on to the most positive future that lies ahead of me. Where shall I and my brother stay for the rest of our college life? what am i going to do with the venue for the debate seminar? how am i going to balance my acads with the org stuff? what should be my schedule and habit for me to become a university scholar? how am i going to answer all these questions that keep on bothering me?

i cannot answer all of these,... i am just waiting for God to lead the way.. how? why? what? it'll not be my problem anymore.. chill! relax.. God is in control..

em busy!

definitely not a sos call..

im just checking if i’m in my own senses… just came from my math exam and whew! it’s really that tough.. anyhow, i was blessed..why? coz my prof shared the gospel with the class.! what a beautiful way to end this summer class.. i remember myself on fire and always ready to share the word. how i wish i could bring back that fire asap.. i long to be Your servant once again, Lord.. bring me back to you…

zzzaaapp..

i’m currently enlisting.. waah! CRS>. don’t let me down!

im also cramming my output in my english class.. what should i do next?? huhu…

Lord give me strength,… you’re my all.. amen

Enlistment

wow! i can't stand the crashing of the site.. hay.. how i wish i could get the subjects i wanted! grrr...

oceans will part

"oceans will part, nations come, at the whisper of your call.... hope will rise, glory shown, in my life, Your will be done..."

Sometimes i feel crushed, bruised by the everyday adversaries and complexities.. i often forget the promises He has been constantly reminding me of and that certainly makes me feel guilty.. i never thought my life would be like this. I met him years ago, but i didn't think i would be so dumb enough to let go of him..yes, i ran away,.. i was so happy then that i 'realize' i'm tired of following the rules, that i can do things in my way.. i became a rebel , i became wild, i became unconscious... THREE times, did i attempt to go back,.. yes, THREE times, but it just seem to be hard for me.. I just feel waves of disappointment and guilt overwhelm me every time i try to go back. It feels like i'm being slapped right through my face, that i'm somewhat tortured by the emotions i feel deep inside me, that the people around me see me as a filthy individual deserving to be beheaded, that i feel i was a hypocrite all this time, that i do not deserved to be loved by him and that i'm held responsible to every thing that happens around me.. "it's my fault".. i don't want to utter this , swear.. because i do not want to admit that i really did things wrong.

This is my FOURTH attempt. i really wish i could make it this time.. i've been away for years. i want to go back, LORD, would you accept me?

Galatians

After a week of close scrutiny, i have finally finished studying the book of galatians. why in the world do i feel this way? i have recommitted myself for the nth time, yet i do not feel i am doing the right thing.

Galatians tells me to let go of my anxiousness, envy and provocative nature and start doing things right. But i just can't do it right. WHy???? Does God allow His children to suffer first in order to learn? or these crucial times are just under the domain of my testing period? But i have been tested for years. Alright, i know i have made a lot of mistakes, but He has forgiven all of those right? i made sure i have lifted all of these up to Him a long time ago,..

Trying to escape from the past , i found myself staring at a blank sheet of paper inserted in my math notebook. what am i doing? am i suppose to initiate something worth my time and effort? then i realized, i can't start scribbling notes, i can't even focus on today's lesson because i am overwhelmed by guilt and resentment. I have been so stupid all my life to trust people who seem so nice. Hell yeah, i was mistaken. For years, i have been playing the game of hide and seek- doing things i know are wrong, and then making sure people will only see my silhouette . That was my way of escape. I've tried my best to shun evil remarks and nasty things but i always fail. now, what will happen next? i am bothered by the thing i thought i have let go for years,but why? i have buried it for quite some time. It's haunting me... I know i am doing something wrong as i make this blog. I'm letting myself be carried away by the things that seem to crush my hopes and steal my confidence. I am living a new life now, but why couldn't i let go of my past life? Do i have to run away so i could find peace? or should i face those elements found in my past one by one ? I'm certainly not a loser, but why do i find it awkward to fight and face my fears? If i did this, would i make me one? People always tell me to stop pretending to be alright, but hell! this is not mere pretension! i am happy with my life now! i just don't know how to live with my past behind and the future ahead, they seem to interrupt the present!!!!!!!!!!

i am not a good person, if the qualifications of holiness will be considered, it is certain, i know. but i could be a better person, right? what's next after this ? I am looking for worthwhile activities, that's why i'm investing my time in things like this. coz somehow, i know. this is a real escape. the kind of escape i really wanted from the start. not by turning my back, but by keeping my self calm and undaunted by the issues that keep bugging me.

I know i can make it,if only i just trust; not anyone but myself, alone..